Hello:) This is just a (hopefully) quick post about my life currently.
In one word: busy.
In more words: I’ve been having a difficult time staying focused lately. Part of this is because I’ve been feeling very unmotivated lately. Things that used to motivate me seem very mediocre now. Even things that should be motivating me -aren’t. For instance, I haven’t been able to hang out with my friends for a long time because I always have unfinished school or chores. My friends are starting to think that my parents are slave drivers or something, because they never let me go anywhere. I want to explain that it’s really all my fault, that my parents are just making sure I fulfill my duties, but I’m embarrassed to. I’m afraid that if I tell them that it’s all my fault, that I’ve been slacking off, they’ll think less of me.
That should be motivation me. If I want to hang out with my friends more, and not have to explain that I have no self-discipline, I need to get my stuff done. And sometimes, that does help. But more often, it doesn’t. I’ve just stopped caring. And that’s bad. I’ve really been praying lately that God would give me the motivation to get my things done. I know it frustrates my mom when I fall behind in school and chores. That should motivate me. I know it frustrates my friends when I can’t come to a get-together. That should motivate me.
I know that God is disappointed in me when I don’t stay focused, don’t make myself stay focused. My parents created a computer account with no internet access so I could do schoolwork without all the internet distractions. But I do need internet for some school. I recently deactivated my Pinterest account. It was just way too distracting. And, that has helped some. So has the limited access account. But it doesn’t solve my motivation problem.
One thing that does help motivate me is just the thought of accomplishment. I’ve had so little accomplishment in my life lately, the thought of it makes me want to achieve accomplishment. It’s not because I’ve been failing that I haven’t been very accomplished lately. It’s the fact that I haven’t been striving for accomplishment. Because I haven’t had any reason to. Or at least, I haven’t paid any attention to the reasons that are there.
There are just so many distractions, and I have so little self-control. I can’t seem to keep the mouse icon thing (whatever it’s called) away from the Google Chrome icon. I find myself downstairs on my bed reading, instead of doing math. I open a notebook instead my science book. I annoy my sister instead of cleaning the bathroom. I do what I’d rather do because of the motivation: it brings me enjoyment, I don’t have to work for it. Whereas with school: I know it will benefit me in the future. Chores: I know it helps the house hold. But RIGHT NOW -it’s just work. It doesn’t bring me enjoyment, or at least very little.
So I pray, I ask God to give me holy motivation. And he is, little by little, even just in the guilty feeling I get when I slack off.
Little by little, God is perfecting his manuscript. As a writer not super interested in art, I look at me, my life, as a story, as God’s manuscript. Other people might not think much of it right now. They might see only the spelling mistakes, the grammar mistakes, the plot holes. But God’s still editing this manuscript. He’s always working on it. Just like my stories can be difficult to work with, I rebel sometimes. I don’t want God to work in me. But God always wins.